Loneliness is something most people don’t really understand.
When you feel lonely, and you somehow gather courage to ask others for help, the ‘experts’ usually give the following advice:
“Put yourself out there more!” the ‘experts’ claim. “Relationships are a numbers game… get enough acquaintances and you’ll eventually find yourself with some good friendships.”
But it’s not about that! It’s not about getting out there. The path out of loneliness is not playing a numbers game.
What they advise is reasonable, yes. But it’s freakin’ exhausting for a lonely person!
Loneliness does not mean that you have nobody in your life and you should find someone, anyone, by all cause. Most of us already have people in our lives with whom we feel that spark of connection; we just don’t know how to properly fan the flames!
The source of the pain in loneliness is not the lack of other people. The source of the pain is the lack of a certain feeling in our relationships. And that feeling is CLOSENESS!
“Loneliness is essentially sadness caused by a lack of closeness, also known as sadness caused by distance. This is why it doesn’t work to simply surround yourself with people. You must actually feel close to them.” writes Kira Asatryan in her new book “Stop Being Lonely”
It basically means that you lack someone to know you and care for you. That’s what you crave, closeness.
So instead of following the old advise from the ‘experts’ and tire yourself out by putting yourself out there, spend energy getting close to someone who matters to you. Reveal yourself. Let others get to know you, the real you!
Remember, you do not lack people, you lack closeness!
But there is another, deeper truth. The core closeness you need is not from other people. You crave closeness from yourself. You crave connection with yourself, with your emotions, with your spirit, with the depths of your psyche. And you are looking for it in others.
There is a beautiful quote by Douglas Coupland saying: “The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself.”
So spend time with yourself. Not alone, but with yourself. Get to know yourself, get to know what you want, what you like, what you love.
Know yourself, take care about yourself, that’s how you find the closeness you crave before you find it with others.